Sometimes I wonder why I am being so stupid......so stupid to believe that things would still work out when its clearly written right into of me that things are not going work out......
I wish I could change my mind and be normal with a snap of a finger but I can't.......It doesn't work that way. I still have to go through the process of sleepless nights filled with tears, sudden flow of tears on the train, that sick feeling of depression and the reality that this is happening to me....sigh.....Interestingly, I'm not suicidal.....funny....
Maybe deep down inside, I'm still believing that things are going to be alrite.....How stupid can I be.....but I still can't throw away that feeling......
I thought things would work out well when Kumar agreed to give another shot at things on Thursday. I was maybe this is a chance to prove to him that its just going to be me and him and my family is not going to a problem.....
But......when things are over, things are really over.....We didn't get a chance to meet, maybe he was just trying to avoid meeting me. Finally I waited for him outside his place with a cake coz it was Kenny's birthday yesterday. He came....I went in....He went to take a shower and that's when I saw it.....
He removed my picture and a picture of us from his mirror and the cross-stitch of a couple, which I did for him, with our names on it was not on the TV.....
I couldn't stay anymore...I had to leave. I waited for him to come out of this bath...I told him I'm leaving and I left....
He moved on...I have to move on.....
He called me to ask why I left and I told him. He said the same things again....."If your family change, then things would work out"....My family is not going for me or are they interested in my life, so its not going to work. I told him that I would not disturb him anymore and I hung up....
I received an sms from him this morning:
"Im very sorry. I know tat I hurt u alot..I cannot find a way to make u hate me..Just think im a bastard..I got no choice..I cannot repay u for wat u have done in my life..I can only remove the photos..But ur thought is always in my mind.."
The reply that I will never send:
"You had a choice and you chose to leave me....for something that is never my fault....You'll never know how much you meant to me, how much I loved you and how much u've hurt me...."
I still wish that he would call, apologise and say that he'll never leave me forever......
How stupid am I......
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